Every Journey is Individual
Hiking a slot canyon in Utah. This photo captured the sentiment that the journey is personal and different for each of us. Hopefully each step facilitates movement along the stages of grief, moving us out of the shadows and into the sunlight.
Carey -
Everyone’s dying process and death is unique. There are many variables – your age at diagnosis, your domestic situation with children, spouse and other family, who is dependent on you, who you will ultimately become dependent upon, and the anticipated challenges of treatment induced side-effects and natural history of your diagnosis. One size doesn’t fit all. Our hope is to provide you with potential questions you may wish to consider that may make this journey as rich and rewarding as possible – for you, and for those you love. The two issues that stand out are the emotional well-being of others and financial security for your immediate family. If you are able to lead the former it’s potentially cathartic for everyone. If you’re the primary financial breadwinner for your family, hopefully you’ve considered already and planned for the replacement income to those who are financially dependent.
“Shadow-selfie” in the desert SW. I’ve never been one to take “selfies” with rare exceptions on solo summit hikes. Standing on the edge of a cliff at sunrise, my 5’6” frame cast a large 50’ shadow along the cliff face. The perspective is perhaps even more different as the rocks in the lower left are about 100’ below the shadow. The photo perspective is as unique as each of our journeys.
Nicole -
Everyone’s living journey is unique. We are born into certain families, grow up amid different landscapes and follow our adult dreams down various roads. My observation is that each patient has a dying journey that matches their life journey. Some people have lived rich and full lives and are content and not afraid to die. Others are terrified of the process and, most specifically, the physical suffering that can come at the end of life. Often what patients think is pain due to a physical cause is actually unfinished business or emotional pain. The secret daughter given up for adoption that a mother’s heart still longs to know. The childhood joy trampled due to abusive relationships or lack of joy. These silent sorrows linger in our minds and bodies and come out as pain when facing the end of life.
There are common human themes we share. Sadness at leaving people we love behind and uncertainty at the unknown. Regrets of things we did not do and amazement at how fast life seemed to go. Joy in memories we created along the way and hope that we left a good legacy for the earth and those who knew us. Each dying process is indeed as unique as the person living it.
Meeting Carey again was strange, the chances of it happening more unlikely than winning the lottery. Yet we did. And that journey is part of the story. He was a mentor and legend, I was a quiet student watching. Then our roles changed and we created new ones. One day as we drove to do a presentation to medical students on the topic of dying, he said to me “I’m glad you are coming, I’d be scared to do this without you.” I paused, thinking of the times when seeing him in the emergency department gave me courage to suture wounds and diagnose chest pain. Doing things that frightened me were made easier by his calm presence and knowing he believed in me. I realized that we are partners together on this human journey whether physician, patient, teacher or student.
Robin -
Fortunately, we are in a secure financial position and our children are independent and in solid loving relationships so our journey is a bit different now than it would have been 20 years ago. Getting the practical things done (see list below) allowed me to focus on living in the moment and enjoying the time we have left together. For our family this journey has been sad, joyful, rewarding, insightful, peaceful, and sometimes turbulent but most of all has allowed us to crack (or breakdown) some of the emotional walls we put up to avoid dealing with painful things.
Some practical things to consider:
Wills – guardianship for dependents if needed
Health Care Power of Attorney and Living Will
Financial documents (bank accounts, life insurance, mortgages, property deeds, car titles, birth & marriage certificates, investments) – location and/or account passwords
Transferring property into a trust or to the surviving spouse (or children)
Checking beneficiaries of life insurance, retirement, and investment accounts
Email and social media accounts and passwords
Writing letters for children to open for life milestones (16th birthday, marriage, first child, etc)
Write treatment goals and communicate your wishes to family & friends